Until I Can Savor It. - omnika basnet

 Looking at the cake that I had just purchased. The tears falling down in the seamless chocolate cake that I had wanted so badly. As I was eating the cake, tasting the savoury taste of my own tears, I was crying. Not because of stupid things, not because of some stupid drama. But I cried because of the unfairness of the gap between myself and others. My mom had just told me to control myself- to make good of things that we already have. It was a cake I had purchased after starving myself for a week , saving up a week of lunch money my parents had given me and when I had acquired the cake, the dopamine, the serotonin, nothing hit. Plain. Bland Void. Those were the only things I felt.

This isnt some pity party that I'm speaking. It’s about having to sacrifice , having to give up things that you treasured the most , things that actually made you happy, things that you saved up things for. Looking at a certain glass piece, thinking that ‘ Oh, I'm gonna buy it once I have money , oh, I don't need this. It's about the countless struggles , not having a job in an underdeveloping country . Of not having a job to even fend for myself. Of being average, of being not enough, of being catastrophically nothing.

But I'm not complaining , the harsh truth has to be accepted , you have to work 10x more in order to achieve what you want, in order to get what you want . Having , thinking every single thought of not being enough. Thinking life would've been so much easier if I had been rich. Thinking I have perfect grades , great ecas and all the skills, so why them? Why does someone who never broke a sweat in their lives get things so easily? Just like that .

It isn't about being underprivileged or being sad. It's knocking that one day, looking back about so many memories of my struggles, I will feel good . I will feel accomplished. About all the things I had sidelined about giving the last piece of cake that I had to give to my brother,now I can finally savor it. And when I will achieve it, I will feel accomplished and happy, the feeling that I would not have to please anyone, no one. The day that will happen will be the day I will be loved enough.